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Doogie HAWES'er
2nd Grammy Level

Registered: Dec 2008
Location: Seattle
Posts: 2318

Friends, and domestic violence...

What can you do when you know your friend is in an abusive relationship? When ****s so twisted that the one getting abused tells themself that its their own fault? When they make excuses for their abuser: "its not his fault, he wouldnt normally do that. He wouldnt do it of he wasnt on drugs?"
When the one being abused is more concerned for the one harming them: "he already has two strikes against him, if he gets arrested again hes facing 20years... He doesnt deserve that"

I am so furious. And feel helpless.
How can you help someone who isnt concerned with helping themself?
All I've been able to do is listen, and tell my friend that "you never deserve this", and that it is never ok for somebody to treat you like that. :|

This friend has gotten themself away from this person, switched numbers gotten a new place.... But then calls their ex up and invites them over and gets back in this mess.
I know its not her fault, but some of her actions seem so counter productive.
Get the ***k away from this evil person.

I dont want to see my friend sent to the hospital or end up dead :|

What can I do?

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Old Post 03-02-2016 01:25 PM
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purple18
Triple Platinum Record Level

Registered: Jan 2007
Location: Hungary
Posts: 14071

Re: Friends, and domestic violence...

quote:
Originally posted by Doogie HAWES'er

All I've been able to do is listen, and tell my friend that "you never deserve this", and that it is never ok for somebody to treat you like that. :|

that is the best thing you can do. i was abused physically too (much more mildly though, even though it should never happen so see i am still looking for excuses for the person who did it), and even though it was a smaller part of the huge problems between us, what i really needed was constant reminding of how that person was bad for me and how i could do much much better without them. at that time i felt like i was stuck in a relationship because i thought i sucked and noone else would have wanted me. this contributed to not standing up against myself and actually almost believing it was my fault that i got hit.

someone who hurts their partner physically in a relationship is just as bad as verbal abuse. it's not a good person and they won't change.

she probably needs rock-solid self-esteem and reassurance that leaving the bastard forever is the right and ONLY possibly good thing to do. she needs more and more people telling her and making it clear that it's not going to end well. so, try to talk to her... focusing on this subject. try to reassure her that things will get better in her life and that she doesn't need the dickhead and that she isn't responsible for his actions and he doesn't need protection if he's doing things like this to people he supposedly "loves". but unfortunately in the long run it has to be her decision and her actions...

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Old Post 03-02-2016 03:55 PM
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Little_Peculiar
Triple Platinum Record Level

Registered: Feb 2008
Location: Sweden
Posts: 18550

Damn, your friend really needs to get away from that person. The fact that she is making excuses for him shows that its not just physical abuse.

I have no idea how to deal with this though. An intervention with your friend? Police? Is there some kind of organisation to help victims of domestic violence where you live?

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Old Post 03-02-2016 03:56 PM
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Doogie HAWES'er
2nd Grammy Level

Registered: Dec 2008
Location: Seattle
Posts: 2318

The guy is really a piece of ****.
My coworker has been talking like everything is all good that that her boyfriend (whom she describes as the best person she has ever met) has gone through rehab (which I don't believe anyway - I can expand on that later).
She talks about how nothing he did in the past was his fault, making excuses for him.
I have voiced my concerns about him and she acts like I have no reason to be worried, "you know what? A world of difference sobriety makes" she says.

Thursday night I got a text from her that she had been beat up and robbed downtown. He story of events didnt make sense.
She had to go to the hospital and get stitches.
I questioned her about it, and it all just seemed really weird.
I decided today to look at the jail records online and saw that he was arrested that night for Assault DV meaning domestic violence.

I called her today and asked how she was doing. She said fine. And I asked her if she wanted to come by work and hang out with me so we could talk.
She said she was busy but asked "whats up?"
I just told her I was worried about everything especially after descovering something online (meaning his arrest record).
She then said "oh, yeah... I thought you might see that... Ill talk to you about it later, but honestly, im fine. They should have arrested me"

Damnit. Again acting like its NOT HIS FAULT.

I'm going to see her on Tuesday and try and talk about all this. But damn its hard.
I really dont know what is the correct thing to say.
And I dont know if I can believe anything she says.



Oh..... Also.
The jail website shows time he was booked, and what time he was released. My coworker suddenly "felt sick" Saturday night at around 9:30.
She had been on her phone quite a bit moments before. She asked if she could go home and quickly headed out.
He was released from jail about 15min earlier.
I'm sure she was in a hurry so she could pick him up from jail.

I dont see this getting better right away.
He has physically attacked her more than once.
And sent her to the hospital.
I dont want to see things get worse, or her end up dead

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Old Post 04-25-2016 10:42 AM
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