Triple Platinum Record Level
Registered: Sep 2008
quote: I agree with everything. And yes we are here, and there is no good explanation for it, we all die differently, some die younger, and there is no rule for that.
Originally posted by » Dani
I had no idea Natasha. I'm sorry you have had a rough time lately. I don't know what to say because I don't suffer from this myself but I do relate to a lot of what you wrote anyway because I felt kinda like this just a few years ago. Why do you hate that need? Your pills keep you safe and relaxed. I think many people have something that we need to comfort us and make us feel safeness.
About the other part of your post. I think it's a process of "growing up" and finding your place in this world. You should be happy to actually be thinking these thoughts about life and not just living like a zombie! My whole life I've been mostly up up up and driven and just need to make stuff to happennnnnn. I think we grow up as kids with huge dreams of this and that, watching movies and imagining life in one way, we can do ANYTHING etc etc, and then we realize reality isn't like that most of the time. I'm not here to tell anyone what life's about, where you belong etc, but if you ask me it's pretty ***king boring and squared. My view on it is very tragic. Like we are just here to support the system for a while and then we die. And lets be honest, it is true. But we can still change our view on that and make the most out of the time we have here, try to dream and get excited, have goals, do more of what makes us happy and spend time with people that matter to us and that we care for. My personality make me high on life STILL from time to time but not every ***king minute like I felt the need to before. Because you can't be high all the time and that is okay - having it the other way is not healthy! And you're surely heard this before, but try to find peace in this moment of life you're in right now, and I think you will start to feel better. Go see a terapeut and talk it out. I think every person on this planet could need one from time to time. Accept things as they are and try to see the light in everything, even if it barely shines sometimes. ♥
My worst experience out of all, as i said was the devil called depersonalization. That sh&t goes beyond your happiest dreams, beyond love, support and family. You feel like you're in this dump, and even tho there are so many hands to save you, you feel like you're drowning yourself. You don't feel the support, you don't recognize your family for what it is. They all seem like strangers, it feels like you don't feel anything for anybody in this world. It's deadly scary and you just want to end it.
After some research, i learnt it's not that scary. It's a way your mind unplugs itself from stress and tries to protect you. Anxiety is deeply connected with depression and other messed up conditions.
Even tho i always loved my life, and had many friends and loved ones, part of me always thinks that it could've been better. I still love it, but i just got sick of living scared every day. Fear was so strong that i couldn't enjoy the things i usually used to do to relax, as listening music or binge-watching a show. I couldn't do those things because of constant anxiety, my mind was never "in the moment", i was scared of my own fear. I hated living like that and not enjoying life, because what is life if you can't enjoy it?!
Tried to do therapy, but i couldn't, i have things i only tell myself, and they want to dig deep in your childhood, which i am aware it could be a trigger for these kinds of situations. Maybe it is in my case, but i have closed some windows a long time ago and don't want to reopen because i am wiser and older now.
As an emotional person, i get it. It's not a surprise i ended up like this. I had to be broken some day, and it happened to be a life-changing experience. Anxiety made me more open and kind, less ashamed of myself, and more tolerant. It wasn't all for nothing.
And what i hate about the pill is, when i go out, my mind goes directly to my wallet, the pill is in my wallet. If i have it, if i brought it with me, will i have a panic attack if it's not with me... it's the last thing i'm working on now. And it's the hardest. My mind is programmed and it won't restart.
Thank you for reaching out Dani, you are always so kind and helpful. And you are getting more beautiful through the years.. instagram.. heheh
Last edited by N@tasha on 10-02-2017 at 10:49 PM
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