Major Label Level
Registered: Dec 2007
THANK YOU Desperate Pinkie.. (hug) she astounds me every day!! (so much i can't spell hehe).. but no... seriously..
I cry too. reading it, and then even going to my positive sides, i cry even more.. because I yearn for it so much..
Thanks ilovep!nk (i do too hehe) thanks heaps and heaps.. I agree.. the doctor shakes his head at her, lol.. when asks about pain and she says no i don't have any.. he assumes because of the morphine or other pain killers she is fine.. but when we look at him and laugh and say.. "she doesn't have any".. he asks Mama several times if it's true.. "are you sure?"
it's so funny..
SHE will beat that b@st@rd. there's no way, with everything that woman has endured that cancer will win. No freaking way! (Mind you, one would think God would have taken it a bit easier on her after the life she lived....... ) But he didn't.. but.. we can over come that too!
Thank you for your words, both you and desperate.. it will light up my mums face.. and for that, i owe you.
I had a down day the other day.. and this is something i wrote on another forum.. a vent i had. after that , there's a letter i wrote to mums fave nurse that is leaving..
I was just thinking about, when i was little.. and i fainted
I remember fainting at the tuckshop, then when i came to the teachers were all just standing there watching me.. they were like.. 3 meters away. and didn't come to me. when i came to, i went to them and they took me to the office.. (they must have thought i fell or just layed down )
I remember the teacher giving me my $2 back.
up on that memory, of her handing me my two dollars back.. i cried. im sitting here.. crying.
my mum.. always tried her best to give us special tuckshop money, and two dollars was always sooo much.. $5 was unheard of.
i can picture my mum... back then.. healthy and happy and it's breaking my heart.. I want 'that' mummy back..
im so cut. I just.. want her better.. I want the mum who used to argue with me, I want the mum who used to sit at the table and ask me to help her with the find a words, because i always did them so quickly, I want the mum who used to ask me to taste her cooking, to see if it was ok... I want the mum who used to come home from shopping with a little surprise for me.. because she thought it looked beautiful and thought of me.. I want the mum who spent $30 on two ostrich pens.. because they made her laugh, I want the mum who used to love pouring her bag out and counting the coins..
I want the mum who used to sit there and design things and then magically after school or work.. have made them, and they were perfect.
I want the mum who used to come and sit with me in my room, and talk. or even whinge at me.
I want the mum who used to play games with us
I want the mum who used to make the most beautiful flower arrangments and be so bloody proud she showed everyone..
I love my mum.. i love her now.. but it's breaking my heart.. it's tearing me to shreads.. and im not sure how much longer i can take it... she is my whole world.. and seeing her this way, is really taking it out of me...
having my mum 'this way' is worse than any sexual abuse i went through as a kid/teenager. having my mum so ill, is worse than any man or boy has ever done to me.. i'd go through all that again............... and 10 times over... to have my mum back to her healthy self.
she says "give me time, i'll get there again.. i promise"
and i smile.. but im sick of waiting...
why couldn't it be me.. why couldn't i have the cancer, why couldn't it be me that everytime she goes to the dr gets told.. you're dying..
I ask.. why... how... and i pray to God to help me...
im venting and running.. going to play a shoot-em-up game with my brother..
Letter to Lovely Sue
I want to thank you for the support and help you’ve given my beautiful mum over the past year. I’d like to be able to say this in person, but.. my emotions are shot and I’m pretty sure I’ll be crying more than speaking. I’m not actually sure how im going to give this to you, so im sorry if i just walk away..and im sorry if i make no sense, i don’t usually talk about it.... and when i do, I cry.
You’re one of the people that my mother loves having around. Thank you for holding her hand whenever she was there, she says it in passing when talking about how much she likes you... this to her family, shows just how much she likes you. A simple hand hold, helped her believe in herself to fight this dreaded monster that’s taken shelter in her small home [body].
I know you know how strong she is, but some days when chemo made her feel a bit off, your smile could light up her world, even for just that moment. Sharing your stories, and taking the time to talk to her, as a person... not just a patient is something she loved about you. You LISTENED to her.
I appreciate (as do we all) everything you’ve done and are so very sad to see you go. Me especially, because with you.... my mum.. my beautiful mum that this world wants to take away from me; had comfort.
My mum is a very strong willed person, as you can see. She is a very amazing person as you know.... and while a lot of doctors and medical people shoot down the belief we have, you never did. Even though you may not have said “Of course you can beat this” .... your smile and holding of the hand... was just enough.
My mum has been through a lot in her life, with several near death experiences, there’s no way that this is going to stop her.... it’s slowed her down for the time being... but being ****s and being so very strong and loving, having the belief we do.. we’ll overcome this.. Even as a child.. she had a lot to cope with, growing up, then getting married and having kids, didn’t actually get any easier. Now, after everything she’s done, everything she’s been through.. she’s got something that can’t be cured. My beautiful mum, my mummy.. is being told she’s dying. (cancers got another thing coming, we are a force to be reckoned with. Shes defied science and medicine once or twice.. she’ll do it again)
I wish you had an answer for me, I wish there was a cure. I wish I could say “please don’t give up on her.. I’m a little girl who needs her mum” .... She’s got 10 beautiful grandkids, who need their Oma, a husband who needs his wife, 3 amazing sons, who need their mum.. and also.. she has a world to show that hope and belief and a strong will really do make a difference. She’s got plans to make my kids into little S*$&... I haven’t even had any kids, and when i do, i need my mum.
Seeing my mum this way, is tearing me apart. My life, my world has ended. I’ve many times, just wanted to walk up to have a chat with you, but I never could.. i could never bring myself to talk about how sick my mum was/is., why? Because it breaks a hole in my denial. I live in denial and that’s where i’ll stay.
I have a saying, “Missionise, Defy, Believe” added to that now is “Focus, Fight and Win” .... We’ve given that C word, one year to make her ill, one year out of a life time.. next year, we win, we beat and she will be in remission......... medically speaking, it may not be possible... but, it’s our focus, it’s our fight... and our belief will help us achieve and win.
Like I said to Dr. Tina, we know where we stand! Medically and Scientifically.. we know. But, as people and a loving family, more importantly as strong as my mother is, and her will to live.... no one can take the right to hope or believe way from us... and even though you’ve never ever directly said it, (or probably even thought it) ... you’ve always shown my mum hope, just by smiling, and again...... treating her like the wonderful person she is, and not the patient. You weren’t just doing your job, you genuinely cared.
So thank you Sue, for a year of heartache, a year of tears, a year of laughter, happiness, comfort and more importantly.... Thank you for being there for my mum.. and she is going to miss you terribly. You will have to give us an email address or something so at Christmas time, you will be hearing from Christel. She’s determined, you’ve got to know there’s something special about her... I mean.. look how far she’s come.. we’ve had ups and downs... but we’ll pull through.
Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts, and we wish you all the best!
Karl-Hermann, Christel, Markus, Andreas, Gerhard and me, Cornelia.(and all the 10 kids) Plus all the friends and families around the world
Feel free to contact us at any time
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